In the next few moments, you’re going to read two query letters. Both were written by the same author about two different books she had produced.
One of the query letters resulted in a publishing contract in just 25 days, yes, it can happen that fast. The other query letter resulted in not a thing from a publisher. In fact, she couldn’t even get an agent to represent that book.
What I want you to do is to take a look at both query letters and try to determine which query letter put the author, Sherry Thomas, on the fast tract to a writing career, and which query letter led to the black whole of rejection after rejection.
Ready? Here’s the first query letter…
Dear Ms. Agent,
Catherine Blade is a woman of uncommon beauty, great intelligence, and deadly martial arts skills. She is also the illegitimate child of an English adventurer and a Chinese courtesan, the disgraced mother of an illegitimate child of her own, and a servant in perpetual bondage. And now she has been given the one chance to serve her country, earn her freedom, and redeem herself.
She travels to England to recover stolen relics, clues to a legendary treasure. But standing in her way are three men: a new enemy bent on arresting her for espionage, an old foe out for blood, and the lover she thought she had killed long ago.
Heart of Blade is a quest, a book of thrilling martial arts action, and a perilous love story. But above all, it is the tale of an extraordinary woman, set in the waning days of the Qing Dynasty, the glitter and glamour of fin de siècle Victorian England, and the deserts and mountains of Eastern Turkestan, at the height of the Great Game. It is Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon meets The Forsyte Saga, a book unlike anything available in the marketplace at this moment.
The manuscript is complete. If this query piques your interest, I should be delighted to provide a partial. Thank you for your generous time. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Cordially,
Wow, pretty exciting isn’t it. But now let’s turn our attention to the second query letter,
Dear Ms. Agent,
I’m a faithful reader of your blog. I admire your enthusiasm, your humor, and your candor. Since you represent all subgenres of romance, I’d like you to consider Schemes of Love, my historical romance set in late Victorian England. The manuscript is complete at 100,000 words.
Time for a little unabashed, self promotion: If you haven’t asked for my Free CD, “How to Write a Book On Anything in 14 Days Guaranteed!” then you’re just plain nuts! It’s free, no charge, but you can bet this $100 CD will be carrying that price tag very shortly. How do you get it? Just email me at Free CD, Please, or CD_please@writeabooknow.com and make sure you include your name, your mailing address and your telephone number in the email. Now, back to the article…
Gigi’s marriage is doomed from the moment she decides that she must have Camden, by fair means or foul. Camden, who has come to adore Gigi, discovers her deceit on the eve of their wedding. Shattered, he responds in kind, gives her a tender, unforgettable wedding night, then coldly leaves her in the morning, devastating her.
As the story opens, it is ten years later. Gigi has petitioned for divorce in order to remarry. Camden returns to England and sets the condition for her freedom: an heir. Despite the years and the sea of bad blood, the physical attraction between them remains as ferocious as ever. Though they each vow to make the act of procreation a cold, clinical one, the overwhelming pleasure of their marriage bed soon makes it apparent that the enterprise is fraught with emotional peril, for both of them.
In an atmosphere thick with mistrust, desire, and incipient hope, they are torn between the need to safeguard their hearts and the yearning to reach out across the chasm of ancient mistakes. As they rediscover the easy rapport they’d once shared, they must decide whether to let the bygones rule the future, or to love despite their painful past and forge a new life together.
Schemes of Love recently placed first in its category at the Merritt Contest, organized by San Antonio Romance Authors. Chris Keeslar at Dorchester has requested the full. Another one of my manuscripts has won the Romantic Elements category of the 2005 On the Far Side contest, hosted by the Fantasy, Futuristic, and Paranormal Chapter of the RWA.
Thank you for your time. I hope very much to work with you and look forward to hearing from you.
Cordially,
Okay, there are certainly differences. As the author, Sherry Thomas, herself points out, the first one didn’t mention word count and the setting isn’t mentioned until the third paragraph. But both are very powerful.
Picked your favourite? Ready to see what’s in your case? Well, to be honest, this is really a trick question. Both query letters are winners and both query letters got an immediate positive response from every agent they were sent to. Every agent who saw the query letter wanted to see a few chapters, or the whole work.
The problem? When the chapters were sent, Heart of Blade was a long, rambling story that should have been cut drastically, especially the first six chapters. Schemes of Love started with all the action of an Indiana Jones thriller and nothing pedestrian was kept in the manuscript.
It’s a case that explains that query letters will get you only so far. They will open the door. But once you have the agent’s attention, you’ve got to come up with the goods. The element that kills more manuscripts than anything else is boring writing. And boring writing is anything that isn’t exciting.
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Cheers,
Steve Manning